PLanning * Utilizing * Sharing

I’m a trans man with a straight cis husband. We’re willing to beginning children

I’m a trans man with a straight cis husband. We’re willing to beginning children

As a bisexual trans man with a direct cis spouse, the topic of obtaining family try difficult by inquiries of surrogacy, adoption and elevating young ones inside U.S.

Raj and Andy Bandyopadhyay. Credit: Courtesy Zoe Larkin; Francesca Roh/Xtra

L ast winter months, I presented a six-month-old female. She was perfect: All wider sight and small possession, hot and cozy. Her dads—friends from neighborhood queer circles—were character types for me and my husband Raj. We questioned the way they were carrying out half a year into fatherhood, and exactly what suggestions they had for us as dads-to-be.

Raj try a direct cis man from Mumbai; I’m a bisexual trans man from Houston. We’ve come dealing with young ones since we begun internet dating 12 years back, once we had been both children at grain institution. All of our union moved through a lot of twists and transforms since then—eight age in, we noticed I found myself a guy and transitioned—but all along, we’ve imagined a loft stuffed with art and books as well as 2 kids in our very own. Raj also promised becoming the expecting one, if development actually enabled.


Raj noticed prepared very first. It’s wise: He’s years more than me. For him, the child time clock started while he was at a San Francisco bookstore in 2021. He spotted a nine-year-old scanning the piles and mentioned, “I want to notice community through the sight of a young child. We’re Able To become providing our children right here.”

When he informed me, we smiled and nodded. But inside, I panicked. We can easilyn’t afford a child, not yet—not while I was however wanting to get together again the course contradictions of my personal high-school years with one mom on societal protection Disability earnings and today are a grownup with a Silicon area tech job. Each and every time my personal co-workers talked-about poverty just as if it were a moral problem, I considered a-deep pity and pondered easily would actually are part of my personal latest expert class—or basically actually planned to belong.

Prices aside, I had no wish to be expecting. With several years of intense cramps and 21-day durations, we decided my personal uterus got destroying myself. I reminded Raj in the promise he’d generated those years ago: becoming a seahorse and hold the infants if research permitted.

Looks like I was onto one thing. That December, after a few services using my primary care medical practitioner and a feminist OB/GYN, I experienced a medically essential hysterectomy.

Raj grieved. He understood it was suitable thing for my personal body—not once did the guy query me to reconsider—but he nonetheless considered the increasing loss of knowing I would personallyn’t hold our very own kid.

A few months afterwards, we kept my toxic tech job and joined a company with a purpose to boost financial fitness in an evidence-based way: No poverty-shaming enabled. They felt like an easy way to bring my personal childhood and my personal unique bay area life together.

By mid-2016, eight years into all of our commitment, we worked with a gender counselor and stumbled on two results: i’m a guy, and I’d instead remain hitched to Raj than change.

Therefore we discussed and chatted. So we finally had gotten within the nerve in the future out over society, to share with everyone else we were staying collectively and that I was going to changeover. Then Trump had been elected.

We viewed the election brings about terror from an Airbnb in Seville, Spain. Here ended up being a president whom threatened to move straight back LGBTQ2 legal rights from his first day in company. Would we even be capable access transition-related health care? Would I have the ability to alter my personal character records? No matter if we been able to transition, could we remain married?

We started googling “countries safe for brown men” and “countries not harmful to trans folks,” trying to find the convergence in this Venn diagram. Raj got a teen during the Hindu-Muslim riots in Mumbai during the early 1990s, thus he’s viscerally aware of how fast governmental tensions becomes lethal.

After a few several months, we reasoned that trans medical care when you look at the Bay room got the best during the nation, therefore if I became attending change, i might and get it done here. I began testosterone and had best operation in 2017. I altered my personal documents as quickly as i really could, lest Trump roll back my personal capability to do so.

When I was clinically and legitimately male, my personal kids time clock turned on. All of a sudden I seen kids almost everywhere: In coffee houses, from the grocery store, on playground. I needed to be a dad. I needed to put on a tiny half-Texan, half-Bengali newborn, and increase our very own child on rice and dal and pecan pie and really love.

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